Self Compassion vs. Toxic Comfort Zones
Anne Lamott is my favorite writer - in this post she writes about “morbid reflection” - our tendency to ruminate and engage in catastrophic thinking in “toxic comfort zones”. Dr. Brene′ Brown writes that “Empathy is the antidote to shame”, and Anne Lamott reminds us that empathy is giving our selves new habits that actually comfort.
A Facebook post from Anne Lamott re-posted in entirety:
“One of the chapters in Dusk Night Dawn begins, “I have a PhD in morbid reflection.” For those of us who grew up with unhappy parents, who possibly had tiny tiny issues with alcoholism, mental illness, unfaithfulness or rage, morbid reflection became one of our comfort zones, along with dread, shame, bad body thoughts and catastrophic thinking. (There is another chapter in the book about how instantly some of us believe that the kitten is dead, and not simply hiding in one of the wormholes in the living room that only cats can find.) (I am having buttons made up that say, “The kitten is not dead. The kitten is somewhere in the living room.) They remain my default responses in times of stress, because they are Home. Maybe mom and dad are nearby! Yay, the fantasy mom and dad who got into recovery or therapy, who stopped drinking, or hitting, and were able to see us and delight in us, as is.”
Another chapter begins, “Dread was my governess growing up.” She kept me from running out into the street, or swimming in the deep end before I could tread water, but for the last, oh, say 60 years, these have not been my major concerns.
And shame, oh, maybe the homiest comfort zone of all. Thirty years ago, my Jesuit friend Tom Weston perfectly captured what so many of us are us against, when he told me the five rules of being an American grownup. 1) you must not have wrong with you or different about you. 2) if you do, you need to correct this asap. 3) If you really try but just can’t change this, just *pretend* that you have—pretend you’re just fine now in every way. 4) if you can’t even fake this, though, please don’t show up, as it is very painful for the rest of us. 5) but if you are going to insist on the right to show up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.
Right? Those are the rules we were taught by parents, teachers, the culture; and it is the great spiritual calling for so many of us to break these rules, and stage a comeback. My comeback first began nearly 35 years ago when I got sober, but it is going a little more slowly that I had hoped. Horribly, it only seems to be happening one day at a time, with both the 200 pound phone, intimate friendships and sometimes some writing (whereas if I were God’s West Coast rep, I would tap people on the head with my magic wand for a nice, instant and full restoration.)
So the question I have been asked at every interview and podcast on my virtual book tour is, How do we replace the dread, and shame? Where do we even begin to replace these toxic comfort zones with cozier ones, with friendly attention to our worried souls?
My answer is usually that “replace” has not proven to be do-able; sorry, Charlie. “Dilute,” “distract,” “befriend,” and “muffle” are more realistic. My husband has a practice that has been incredibly useful in helping me get free. (He is at shapesoftruth.com if you want to meet him and find out more.) He calls the governess the superego; same thing. He helps people talk directly to this critical voice that keeps trying to keep us small and afraid. He has his clients (and me) thank it for having kept them alive, and then gently suggest that it won’t be needed for this anymore. Then he asks it if it would go into into semi-retirement and take the position of occasional Ethical Consultant? It could go hang out in the library in an easy chair and read, until needed for brief ethical consultations. The bad voice is always pleased to be given such a prestigious job, while meanwhile, we can move into renewed curiosity about the world, in nature, on the couch with a book, on the phone with a friend. We can tend to ourselves with responses that might actually comfort, like a bubble bat, grilled cheese, a movie that makes us laugh, a good cry and always, always, always a lovely cup of tea.” Anne Lamott
Anne Lamott (author of Dusk Night Dawn, Help Thanks Wow, my personal favorite book to read over and over - Traveling Mercies - and so many others). She writes about Shame from a different perspective than Dr. Brene′ Brown - but it is still the same “toxic comfort zone” and the need to find healthier ways to tend to ourselves and our inner critics.
Self Compassion is the way forward.
